13 months of motherhood

i feel like to burn any article, books, literature which tell me to enjoy motherhood.
being a mother is the most extreme drainage of physical and emotion.
not a  single day I can truly enjoy being a mother 100%.

A infant is able to kick, pull your hair out and bite (yea without teeth) hard.
dont ever underestimate that smile especially when they make that big huge smile.
they are up to something and it's not pleasant

but how awful and bad it is, motherhood is something you cannot feel remorse. oh well i wish

she's 10 weeks

My baby girl is 10 weeks old and she started lifting her head 2 days ago.
She weighs over 5.2kg 10 days ago. could anytime pass 6kgs now.
she sleeps less (not so happy about it) but  boy she's a talker and kicker( comme moi)

I love you my baby munchkin. love you more than you know

Almost there!!!

Dear you in my amniotic fluid,

today it is your 37th and 1 day in my belly. After missed couple of appointments and ultrasound. I should have done it on 32nd weeks but we just have no control over administrative's issue. so we are taking an approach, you will be fine.
nevertheless, when we were at the examine room, Doc Muk told us that I already 1.5cm dilated. that's explained the intense cramps at wee hours since week 36. It wasnt pleasant at all. you really make me miserable cause I love my sleep. my deep sleep to be precise. but i suck it up cause i know it wont be long until you pop up.
But i just anxious  for the big day. may Allah make it easy for me and for you. Ameen

Back to examen room, everything was looking fine but my low placenta history and the fact that I was dilated, Doc Muk didnt want to take any risk. I was put in emergency ultrasound and they brought me straight to emergency room. M tried to be calm and i know he is an anxious as me cause he's making jokes. and the jokes are all about Adam, the nephew. Good thing, Adam successfully made me lightly upset with his carelessness, it pretty much took my anxiety down 1 level.

The ultrasound looked great. the placenta is up and you are 6lbs heavy and brings my total weight to 80.2kg. the heaviest I've been but if i breastfed you (with a proper diet as well) all the weight will go easily. Dad is looking forward to prepare mom the confinement meals. i bet it would be all broccolis and baked salmon.

we are anticipated that you will be pop out into this world sooner than your EDD. we are thinking that you would be a July baby than August baby. should we name you Summer? Nah, the name is too western to my liking and to both of our heritages. But dont you worry my child. If you were born to be a gal, I would make sure Daddy would not name you as what he had in mind.

 Both my feet are swollen and numb. my hands lost their strength, especially in gripping. I can see the veins show themselves like a snake. The joints in my fingers are so hurtful. but I know this is all temporary. and am glad my appetite is coming back slowly. but you gave me heartburn right after midnight now, regardless whatever food I ate.

ok dear you my child in my belly. Aint sure whether this would be my last post when you are still inside me, sharing same food, breathing the same air. Mom and dad are looking forward to see you. your daddy is so nervous he's making ridiculous jokes and his face is red right now. i dont snap any pics cause I am nervous too. they said the pain was unbearable but I pray i would do just fine.

I miss you mak!

Hello 30 weeks!

Yesterday my feeling was a roller coaster. I got huge panic attack. I badly want my mak to be by my side. I even felt to dig her grave and do whatever to make her alive.

I was so scared. I need her soothing voice to calm me down. I need her small hand to hold me tight. I need her voice to tell me, everything will be just alright.

The baby growth rate is unstoppable. Today alone, she kicked my ribs like nobody business. Oh we will see you when you out of my womb. I probably scared she will be a little me. A tiny energy bunny. I will lose some weight for sure and daddy will lose some hairs.

This is the first time, I didn't follow M for terawih. I retorted but he said for my own good. He reminded me that I am heavily pregnant. It's time for me to have more rest but by doing so I become so restless.

Ya Allah, please ease my affairs. Ameen

Week 28 check up

Few days and I will bid adieu to this place. So yesterday was my last appointment with dr N and to discuss my latest blood & urine test.

I was dreadful to see my glucose bloodwork. I've been chomping myself chocolates, ice creams like mad in the AM. I love all those junks but I can't stand the aftertaste that lingering at the back of my throat. however, when dr N played the drum roll and I was shocked when she said tha my hb is low and there was a present of GBS in my urine.

Low blood and bacteria?!!!

Mayday! Mayday!

Well, I wasn't surprised with low blood ( from 11.2 to 9.4), I experienced some dizziness and losing some balance during my daily walk. And I wear out easily after dzuhur.  and I neither eat greens nor meat.
But taking iron pills means big huge C. Although my bowel movement is under control with my berak potion, the feeling of C is unsettling.

For GBS, I have no idea where it came from. I asked dr N, as if I contracted STDs. When you have a very active baby galloping in your belly and your mommy's instinct is kicking in, you will automatically feel to be a super hero and save the world of the lil one.

You will literally want to do anything for her. Failed to chill out and be cool like a cucumber.

"Kalau hang gedik bila besaq nanti, memang padaaaaa"

Beside the big C, GBS is something last thing I should be worried about apparently. They will just put me into IV penicilin drip 4 hours prior to labor. To be honest, I am not looking forward to be in a labor pain for more than 15min, 4 hours? are you freaking kidding me.

Good luck you!

small note. after 7 mths I only gained 4.9 or 4.6kg. Although my arms look like mini chicken wings and I still can't fly,  and aesthetically ugly, I am pretty relief that my weight is way under control. Judging from how 'healthy" I've been eating for the past 3 months.

it's a girl

I got all these classic symptoms that for sure the baby in my belly would be a boy.

I only can eat sour and spicy food.  Less queasiness in the AM. Hate sweet stuff.

I even have a glowing face.

so when today during my mid-pregnancy echography scan, we both were not keen on surprise and opted to know the gender of the baby. Inside my heart, although I was so 50-50, I am hoping for a boy. Well, there are many reasons , we want a boy

1.  M is looking forward to a boy
2. I am tired of people relating my mother's demise with the gender of the baby.
3. I hate all girly, princessy stuff
4. I have to deal with their periods and bf's stories
5. I have to make sure they look nice and presentable. I CANT put anything on them. People is so judgemental
6. If she's like me I don't want her to go through what I've been through.

When the Dr. Babineau said that the baby is a girl. I turned into panic mode, well more to disappointed. After all, what had happened to me this year, I hope Allah at least gimme a boy. Actually to be fair, I just pray that Allah would make my pregnancy easy, I have a safe delivery and the baby would be healthy and may Allah protects he/she.  I never pray for a baby boy. Dr. B had to leave the room cause I looked flustered. I hold M's hand and said " but you want a boy"
I know M was upset at me. He said he doesnt care if it's a girl or a boy as long as the baby is safe. And maybe that's the best for us.
Oh Allah, Your knowledge is so great, I would not ever comprehend it. Only You know what best for us, please reward me a patience and strength. Please make me one of Your grateful slaves. Ameen
On a final note which M thinks that he should record it, I told him loud, "Please no pink in the house."
Oh my dear princess. I will love you no matter what. I hope you will be better than me and your father. May you be Aisyah RA, or Khadijah RA or Maryam.

Oh well, I turned out to be alright.

a very very sad day

I lost my mom to cancer on the day I was 18 weeks pregnant.

It's too painful to write about it and crushed me to pieces to think about it.

May Allah rewards you and ayah His Jannah. May we will meet again in hereafter.

I love you Mak. I already miss you a lot.