dia buat lagi

this week, left and right,  if it's not so and so told me she's pregnant or most of the blogs I visited screamed out loud that the yours truly is mom to be or about to give birth.

sigh not to the mommies  but to me.

for that reason I was breakdown when M and I had a beautiful Sunday stroll.

sometimes the pregnancy madness really make my head cuckoo banana.

*******

To try to get pregnant at the later age of life is exhaustively difficult. We failed to foresee the  associate pain that came with the days that added to number of our age. Back pain, headaches, migraines and all that jazz. Yep, i have to say sometimes (most of the times actually) I envied those who just got knocked up like pick a flower.

And I have to endure all the acupuncture needles, the pills that make me super emotional and mentally unstable and  a the most displeasure thrust into my V for ultrasound.

dont tell me to stop my whines. let me crying my beer out loud. pffttt

                                                                           oh yeah!

flowers at the attic

I was in the book sale aisle at the library tonight.

Came across to the book i had read once upon a time.

I was so intrigued to buy it but remembering how incest-laden the content of the book is, made me think twice.

if you know V.C.Andrews kinda style, you know pretty much what I mean.

So, I continue flipping for softer version by Sidney Sheldon

Breakdown

got my menses this morning.

i thought I was Ok.

until we went to rideau mall, I saw a limping father pushed his special son wheel in the midst of shoppers enjoying their meal.

I was alone at that time cause M went to timmies to get us drinks.

suddenly i found myself cry a river

and it was a lovely, cold but sunny day

I am such a pooper.  Kesian M

M.A.L.A.S

mood malas melanda

Although people pretty much know i am a full time housewife, I dont actually consider myself as a complete idealistic housewife.

you know where the house is in prim and proper and everything is spotless and sparkling clean.

or where the dining table is so martha stewartly decorated with matching napkins and drapes.

pffftttt

my house is not even closed to a typical kelamin household, let alone a shining floor.

forget about baking cakes and cookies too.

I dont have kids, hence necessary job description is none to avail.

eating out is mostly welcome and a helping hand from Mr M in vacuuming and cooking is a must.

since I have way less responsibility than other SAHM, I choose to be happy with a bit (hah!) cluttered house and dine out with girlfriends.

For the only reason to be a happy lazy me, I allowed M to call me Melayu Malas as much as he please.

words can't hurt you but scrubbing the floor can.

choose wisely

it just a photo. cmon!

not a while ago. an old friend let her steam off over on one famous social network.
She a career woman, a mother of few children and a wife.

plenty of responsibility. hats off

genuinely admire her, I told her that it would take a lot of effort to keep up with her daily routine and kudos on doing that.

instead of thank you, she blasted me off saying that now I should understand why she never posted any exotic delicious home-cooked dinner.

I tried not to be sensitive enough that that words were meant to me, cause:

* I posted almost daily what I cooked or ate. nak tersentaplah ni kan

* and it aint delicious or exotic looking at all. so i think i should cross that out.

* and it meant for the feast of my mom's eyes who constantly ask me "what I eat or cook today?"

I bet my mom didnt care if I live closed enough to her house.

Up till tonight, I still posted my so not exotic and delicious looking food.

I told M. He said that I would be accountable to every word I wrote in social network in day of Judgement

Amboii.. ustaz janggut nih .. like i dont know that.

character over chemistry

I am back in job hunting mode. but this time I am using Malaysian way

it's Who-you-know rather than What-you-know

We were talking about the possibility of certain job's requirement need me to travel quite a bit.
and the guy was a bit apprehensive about my marriage situation would be if I were to accept the job.

I politely told him that we are not a clingy couple who need to be in each other arms every night and day.

He misread it by thinking there's a red flag in my communion.

hahahaha

***********

M and I are two different person and personality.

I would not deny that in a heart beat.

Sometimes it makes me wonder what actually keeping us both in this marriage cause we definitely dont have the chemistry.

It's completely 2 different heads in world's politic, environment, culture or even curtain picking.

screwed that opposite attract thing cause nothing attract me with his pain opinionated whatever head may be.

but again his characters make me stick to him like a glue. not all the time but in a way of I-would-never-ever-found-a-guy-like-him.

hmm.. feel like to give my Man a big hug

I love you

the first time in my entire life I uttered these 3 words to any homosapiens alive was to M, 2 hours after the aqad.

err.. actually I think I did say I love you to Jordan Knight and Donnie Walhberg. Numerous times.
and in return, they sang a love song to me.

Percayakah? Ahaks

 ******

Few nites ago, we had a Malaysian Cultural Night. As usual, I was in-charged in cooking department with a group of amazing adiks tino and jate.
Since I promised dearest M to go back with him, I had to bid adieu before everyone else. All happy and in jolly mood, the girls thanked me and when I reached to the junction girls, they would go extra mile by saying  * I ❤ U *. to me.

Instead of saying something wise or smart like *me too!*. A foolish me just made a cricket sound and smile.

But I am more than convinced that they knew, the word " I love you " can't even translate the feelings I have for them.

How sweet and thoughtful it sounds but when it comes to the love word, it brings me more sadness than happiness.

less they know.

*******

of course, these adiks are not the 1st who proclaimed their sisterly love publicly to me.  Indeed, I didnt reply in verbally or writing that much. very rare indeed.

how easy the lips muttered those 3 words during happy moment, people have the slightest idea how despair it is when it said during tears rolling down the cheeks, minutes away to wave last goodbye with the uncertainty of future meetings. 

I still vividly remembered the *I love you kak* whispered to my ears during those goodbye hugs. the *i love you, kak* text message. the cards etc. 

it was the most intense *I love you* I could ever received from someone whose relationship with me is a 4 years (some is more) friendship.

How could I reply *I love you* when one day, without doubt,  instead with smile and laughter, it will end in tears.