13 months of motherhood

i feel like to burn any article, books, literature which tell me to enjoy motherhood.
being a mother is the most extreme drainage of physical and emotion.
not a  single day I can truly enjoy being a mother 100%.

A infant is able to kick, pull your hair out and bite (yea without teeth) hard.
dont ever underestimate that smile especially when they make that big huge smile.
they are up to something and it's not pleasant

but how awful and bad it is, motherhood is something you cannot feel remorse. oh well i wish

she's 10 weeks

My baby girl is 10 weeks old and she started lifting her head 2 days ago.
She weighs over 5.2kg 10 days ago. could anytime pass 6kgs now.
she sleeps less (not so happy about it) but  boy she's a talker and kicker( comme moi)

I love you my baby munchkin. love you more than you know

Almost there!!!

Dear you in my amniotic fluid,

today it is your 37th and 1 day in my belly. After missed couple of appointments and ultrasound. I should have done it on 32nd weeks but we just have no control over administrative's issue. so we are taking an approach, you will be fine.
nevertheless, when we were at the examine room, Doc Muk told us that I already 1.5cm dilated. that's explained the intense cramps at wee hours since week 36. It wasnt pleasant at all. you really make me miserable cause I love my sleep. my deep sleep to be precise. but i suck it up cause i know it wont be long until you pop up.
But i just anxious  for the big day. may Allah make it easy for me and for you. Ameen

Back to examen room, everything was looking fine but my low placenta history and the fact that I was dilated, Doc Muk didnt want to take any risk. I was put in emergency ultrasound and they brought me straight to emergency room. M tried to be calm and i know he is an anxious as me cause he's making jokes. and the jokes are all about Adam, the nephew. Good thing, Adam successfully made me lightly upset with his carelessness, it pretty much took my anxiety down 1 level.

The ultrasound looked great. the placenta is up and you are 6lbs heavy and brings my total weight to 80.2kg. the heaviest I've been but if i breastfed you (with a proper diet as well) all the weight will go easily. Dad is looking forward to prepare mom the confinement meals. i bet it would be all broccolis and baked salmon.

we are anticipated that you will be pop out into this world sooner than your EDD. we are thinking that you would be a July baby than August baby. should we name you Summer? Nah, the name is too western to my liking and to both of our heritages. But dont you worry my child. If you were born to be a gal, I would make sure Daddy would not name you as what he had in mind.

 Both my feet are swollen and numb. my hands lost their strength, especially in gripping. I can see the veins show themselves like a snake. The joints in my fingers are so hurtful. but I know this is all temporary. and am glad my appetite is coming back slowly. but you gave me heartburn right after midnight now, regardless whatever food I ate.

ok dear you my child in my belly. Aint sure whether this would be my last post when you are still inside me, sharing same food, breathing the same air. Mom and dad are looking forward to see you. your daddy is so nervous he's making ridiculous jokes and his face is red right now. i dont snap any pics cause I am nervous too. they said the pain was unbearable but I pray i would do just fine.

I miss you mak!

Hello 30 weeks!

Yesterday my feeling was a roller coaster. I got huge panic attack. I badly want my mak to be by my side. I even felt to dig her grave and do whatever to make her alive.

I was so scared. I need her soothing voice to calm me down. I need her small hand to hold me tight. I need her voice to tell me, everything will be just alright.

The baby growth rate is unstoppable. Today alone, she kicked my ribs like nobody business. Oh we will see you when you out of my womb. I probably scared she will be a little me. A tiny energy bunny. I will lose some weight for sure and daddy will lose some hairs.

This is the first time, I didn't follow M for terawih. I retorted but he said for my own good. He reminded me that I am heavily pregnant. It's time for me to have more rest but by doing so I become so restless.

Ya Allah, please ease my affairs. Ameen

Week 28 check up

Few days and I will bid adieu to this place. So yesterday was my last appointment with dr N and to discuss my latest blood & urine test.

I was dreadful to see my glucose bloodwork. I've been chomping myself chocolates, ice creams like mad in the AM. I love all those junks but I can't stand the aftertaste that lingering at the back of my throat. however, when dr N played the drum roll and I was shocked when she said tha my hb is low and there was a present of GBS in my urine.

Low blood and bacteria?!!!

Mayday! Mayday!

Well, I wasn't surprised with low blood ( from 11.2 to 9.4), I experienced some dizziness and losing some balance during my daily walk. And I wear out easily after dzuhur.  and I neither eat greens nor meat.
But taking iron pills means big huge C. Although my bowel movement is under control with my berak potion, the feeling of C is unsettling.

For GBS, I have no idea where it came from. I asked dr N, as if I contracted STDs. When you have a very active baby galloping in your belly and your mommy's instinct is kicking in, you will automatically feel to be a super hero and save the world of the lil one.

You will literally want to do anything for her. Failed to chill out and be cool like a cucumber.

"Kalau hang gedik bila besaq nanti, memang padaaaaa"

Beside the big C, GBS is something last thing I should be worried about apparently. They will just put me into IV penicilin drip 4 hours prior to labor. To be honest, I am not looking forward to be in a labor pain for more than 15min, 4 hours? are you freaking kidding me.

Good luck you!

small note. after 7 mths I only gained 4.9 or 4.6kg. Although my arms look like mini chicken wings and I still can't fly,  and aesthetically ugly, I am pretty relief that my weight is way under control. Judging from how 'healthy" I've been eating for the past 3 months.

it's a girl

I got all these classic symptoms that for sure the baby in my belly would be a boy.

I only can eat sour and spicy food.  Less queasiness in the AM. Hate sweet stuff.

I even have a glowing face.

so when today during my mid-pregnancy echography scan, we both were not keen on surprise and opted to know the gender of the baby. Inside my heart, although I was so 50-50, I am hoping for a boy. Well, there are many reasons , we want a boy

1.  M is looking forward to a boy
2. I am tired of people relating my mother's demise with the gender of the baby.
3. I hate all girly, princessy stuff
4. I have to deal with their periods and bf's stories
5. I have to make sure they look nice and presentable. I CANT put anything on them. People is so judgemental
6. If she's like me I don't want her to go through what I've been through.

When the Dr. Babineau said that the baby is a girl. I turned into panic mode, well more to disappointed. After all, what had happened to me this year, I hope Allah at least gimme a boy. Actually to be fair, I just pray that Allah would make my pregnancy easy, I have a safe delivery and the baby would be healthy and may Allah protects he/she.  I never pray for a baby boy. Dr. B had to leave the room cause I looked flustered. I hold M's hand and said " but you want a boy"
I know M was upset at me. He said he doesnt care if it's a girl or a boy as long as the baby is safe. And maybe that's the best for us.
Oh Allah, Your knowledge is so great, I would not ever comprehend it. Only You know what best for us, please reward me a patience and strength. Please make me one of Your grateful slaves. Ameen
On a final note which M thinks that he should record it, I told him loud, "Please no pink in the house."
Oh my dear princess. I will love you no matter what. I hope you will be better than me and your father. May you be Aisyah RA, or Khadijah RA or Maryam.

Oh well, I turned out to be alright.

a very very sad day

I lost my mom to cancer on the day I was 18 weeks pregnant.

It's too painful to write about it and crushed me to pieces to think about it.

May Allah rewards you and ayah His Jannah. May we will meet again in hereafter.

I love you Mak. I already miss you a lot.

road to nowhere

i havent write for quite a while. i was pretty much roasted when i got home. on my last day at work i never thought that i would be so happy and relieve.

i mean pretty much now, we both jobless. feel pretty suck. feel my ego bruised.
but i didnt realize how much my body screaming for rest. A total and complete rest.
I miss some of my colleagues but as l'Americano said, "once you feel like you dragging yourself to work, it's time to hit the road". indeed, he was right!
that's exactly my feeling after they let my boss go. it was difficult to discuss something that should take a split of second decision to hours of explaining.
My doc keep on asking me to slow down. i forgot that i am no longer a spring chicken.

well i guess back to be frugal. and the worst part going back to job hunting.
re-writing resume is a pain task.
am looking forward to berhijrah somewhere in gulf states. close to home and hopefully we can finally pay our last duty to do pilgrimage.

money is good too. but again when M said that the furries have to be confined at home. my body shuttered. you cannot confined the boys, once they tasted the freedom, they will never turn back.

of course if i want to list the cons, the list has no end.

but for now, i am taking it a day at a time. as M put it, " you dont have to worry a thing "

bless your soul dear beautiful husband

and it begins

exactly at 09h45 18/12/2015, i saw the first heartbeat.

May Allah make it easy and safe.

my reference to itchy scalp

www.justgrowalready.com/2011/08/current-oil-mix.html

Treating My Itchy Scalp: My Current Oil Mix

For about a month, I have been applying a mix of coconut, lavender, eucalyptus, and tea tree oil to my scalp before I wash (as my hot oil treatment) and to my scalp 1 or 2 days a week for a scalp massage. The oil mix has really helped with the serborrheic dermatitis that has been terrorizing my scalp since June. My scalp isn't as itchy and the scales of dandruff (doesn't that sound gross? haha) are now limited to the front portion of my head, near my widows peak, whereas before, I experienced dandruff all over. I've found that when I apply and massage the oil mix into my scalp the day after I wash, my scalp does a lot better during the week. Applying the oil before SD flares up diminishes it during the week.

I've decided to add vitamin E oil to the mix for it's healing properties. Hopefully I can report in a few weeks that my scalp is faring even better.

Edited the post to include how much of what is in the mix:

1 oz of coconut oil
8 drops of lavender oil
8 drops of eucalyptus oil
8 drops of tea tree oil
20 drops of vitamin E oil

With smiles,

- See more at: http://www.justgrowalready.com/2011/08/current-oil-mix.html#sthash.v85zjddx.dpuf

Treating My Itchy Scalp: My Current Oil Mix

For about a month, I have been applying a mix of coconut, lavender, eucalyptus, and tea tree oil to my scalp before I wash (as my hot oil treatment) and to my scalp 1 or 2 days a week for a scalp massage. The oil mix has really helped with the serborrheic dermatitis that has been terrorizing my scalp since June. My scalp isn't as itchy and the scales of dandruff (doesn't that sound gross? haha) are now limited to the front portion of my head, near my widows peak, whereas before, I experienced dandruff all over. I've found that when I apply and massage the oil mix into my scalp the day after I wash, my scalp does a lot better during the week. Applying the oil before SD flares up diminishes it during the week.

I've decided to add vitamin E oil to the mix for it's healing properties. Hopefully I can report in a few weeks that my scalp is faring even better.

Edited the post to include how much of what is in the mix:

1 oz of coconut oil
8 drops of lavender oil
8 drops of eucalyptus oil
8 drops of tea tree oil
20 drops of vitamin E oil

With smiles,

- See more at: http://www.justgrowalready.com/2011/08/current-oil-mix.html#sthash.v85zjddx.dpuf

Treating My Itchy Scalp: My Current Oil Mix

For about a month, I have been applying a mix of coconut, lavender, eucalyptus, and tea tree oil to my scalp before I wash (as my hot oil treatment) and to my scalp 1 or 2 days a week for a scalp massage. The oil mix has really helped with the serborrheic dermatitis that has been terrorizing my scalp since June. My scalp isn't as itchy and the scales of dandruff (doesn't that sound gross? haha) are now limited to the front portion of my head, near my widows peak, whereas before, I experienced dandruff all over. I've found that when I apply and massage the oil mix into my scalp the day after I wash, my scalp does a lot better during the week. Applying the oil before SD flares up diminishes it during the week.

I've decided to add vitamin E oil to the mix for it's healing properties. Hopefully I can report in a few weeks that my scalp is faring even better.

Edited the post to include how much of what is in the mix:

1 oz of coconut oil
8 drops of lavender oil
8 drops of eucalyptus oil
8 drops of tea tree oil
20 drops of vitamin E oil

With smiles,

- See more at: http://www.justgrowalready.com/2011/08/current-oil-mix.html#sthash.v85zjddx.dpuf

kenapa perlu marah

maafkan sajalah

Ya Allah thank you sungguh sungguh. Alhamdullilah

one of my daily happiest moment

• on my bed, listening to Junior's soft purrs.. so purrfect

• weekends morning, warmly tug under the blanket, cuddle by M and one by one the furries climbed up to the bed and purrs ....super perfect 

i know having children means a lot or to some couple means everything.
i know we dont work as hard pray as hard to do whatever it gets to procreate an offspring

but i always know, Allah AWT always has a better plan for me and M.

i know one day my tears of hopeless will be tears of joy.

if the day never come, i am already happy with what i have been loaned for

A loving husband and diva furries

Thank you ya Allah, for life is now is truly a blessing

Venus vs Mars

alahai
a couple who i consider much as my adik was in heated domestic argument.

so remind me of myself ages ago or still am?!

while the husband thought the wife was upset because he so-called poured his heart out to me about them, the wife was actually upset that the husband didn't tell the whole truth.

the problem is the definition "pouring my heart out" between men and women is not the same.

When man mengadu, it would be; " aku pening la dengan bini aku nih, dia marah dgn si polan and si polan tapi nak kena buat menda x, camna ah?"

when woman mengadu, it would be; " actually macam nih, minggu lepas, si polan tepon si polan, si polan cakap la camni, si polan sekian sekian, si polan gi taman, si polan makan, si polan gi jamban, si polan mandi,  keesokan harinya si polan jadik pondan, *insert the previous day verbs of this polan*,  abis tu si polan bla bla....... until the end of the week,
but u know this polan can always cakap dengan i, kenapa dia tak cakap dgn i , atau cakap dgn laki i,  this is the same thing si polan did to this si polan.. *and it goes for next 30 min (if I am lucky) or 1 hour*. i bengang gila, how could that polan do that and why?"

i sometimes tend to be the wife type of mengadu with selective female friends but with my deary M, my pouring the heart out session would be the husband type.

Why? you asked me? to go on and on with M is an act of wasting time and saliva and we will end up arguing about why si polan jadik pondan rather than how could that polan do that to me.

did i get my steam release with M?

how should i put it very suttly

oh yeah .. wait till when hell freezes over

i always proud of M.
He is kind, caring and helpful

but there are times i get all upset

likewise

there are times i think how far our communion would last

many times

would it be till death do us part or it just a matter of time


but what would it takes to make it fall apart

Another woman?
different sight of future holds?
family values?
principle values?

and the list goes on and on

and again i think back what keep us together and or what make us want to stay together

love?!!

kids?!!

je ne sais pas

could i live without him or could he lives without me?

je ne sais pas

#hindsight

penat la oiii

the job is going super awesome.

got promoted within 2 months. Alhamdullilah.

but of course with some office-drama.

c'est la vie du bureau.

but i pretty much leave office by 8 or 9pm just to wake up at 4am to continue some office matters.

never end and i think i quite missing the ol' life a bit

Mulut orang

Brick and stone can break you, but words can't.

I chose to keep mums on my moving cross the province and my new employment status.
Of all the things, I feel that only few who really care and who really happy for me.

But again having to move out from O-town means M and I will become the weekend couple again.

this time it was a bit hard on me emotionally and physically.

M is such amazing husband. Only Allah the Greatest can ever pay his kindness and supports to me. All the texts on how I made him so proud, the phone kisses and virtual hugs he gives me every night, just makes my life gets better and better each day.

I've been meaning to write something else, but i feel to write something that would make me feel grateful. And I never been more grateful than being Mrs M.

:)

time to bid adieu!

to 2013
to Ottawa

embrace a new phase of life
embrace a new place
embrace new people

and most importantly a new me

leaving behind bad memories
bringing with me good memories
looking forward for more wonderful memories

May Allah ease my journey and make it smooth

to loving husband. I am truly blessed to have you by my side. to support me all the way in the way I need to be supported, morally, physically and *cough* financially.

May Allah rewards you tenfold for what you had given.

I pray to all my families and friends, may the best yet to come in 2014.

Allah always has a better plan for us.

clothes

due to my medical condition, M's house chores increase accordingly.
the other weekend, I asked him to bring the clean laundry to the room so that I can fold them.

after putting them in the room , he came to me and said, " I even folded them you know"

and today, when I was about to arrange the clean folded laundry, I wished that he would only stick to bring them to the room.

haih!

it's been  a while since my last post.

month of June - the bearer of tears of joys and goodbyes

but the saddest moment is yet to come.

and I am so not looking forward to it especially when eid is approaching

the routine of past 6 years will no longer be a routine.

will miss a best friend and sister.

what joy do I have left

i dont enjoy my living in O-town anymore.

fed up with fake smiles 

dia buat lagi

this week, left and right,  if it's not so and so told me she's pregnant or most of the blogs I visited screamed out loud that the yours truly is mom to be or about to give birth.

sigh not to the mommies  but to me.

for that reason I was breakdown when M and I had a beautiful Sunday stroll.

sometimes the pregnancy madness really make my head cuckoo banana.

*******

To try to get pregnant at the later age of life is exhaustively difficult. We failed to foresee the  associate pain that came with the days that added to number of our age. Back pain, headaches, migraines and all that jazz. Yep, i have to say sometimes (most of the times actually) I envied those who just got knocked up like pick a flower.

And I have to endure all the acupuncture needles, the pills that make me super emotional and mentally unstable and  a the most displeasure thrust into my V for ultrasound.

dont tell me to stop my whines. let me crying my beer out loud. pffttt

                                                                           oh yeah!